Transcript of How to get your kid to listen… The FIRST Time!
At KarateBuilt Martial Arts, a lot of the skills and training is for many skills – but the one parents really want, after digging in to day to day “being a parent” is…
Below is the transcript of the podcast Sr. Master Sanborn and I did on this – it’s Part 4:
Ch. Master Greg Moody, Ph.D.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (36:29):
And you just wanna get stuff done and you’ve got work to do, and you’ve got other things happening. So it’s really a challenge. You know, so this can cause a lot of conflict between between everybody and you brought up relationships and it happens. It’s in all relationships, parent and kid relationships. So less talking less emotion when you get to these points where there’s control issues. But three big things to remember here. Three big things that we’ve talked to up to this point is you’ve got something, you’ve got some sort of activity you want them to do. So you’ve got an outcome you want, ideally, you’ve got a benefit so that a benefit of the outcome. So let’s just summarize where we’re at now, a benefit of the outcome for itself. So if they clean the room, there’s a reason why the room should be cleaned for its own purpose.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (37:20):
Not cuz they get a candy later or go to the park later or go to ice cream later, go to this. Those would be separate things. Don’t connect them. Second piece is, there’s a consequence of if, if that doesn’t work, if that’s not good enough, then there’s a consequence of the outcome not operating or not happening. So if they don’t clean the room, brush teeth, do the thing, do the thing. There’s some sort of consequence. It doesn’t mean that you’re mean to ’em. It doesn’t mean that anything’s really bad. It just means we gotta be creative. And that’s what we help a lot of our parents with. What’s a good consequence of those things. Then the third is, is there a control? This is kind of a separate thing. Is there a control issue? Is there a control issue? And in all these, all these, we want to make sure that we’re consistent.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (38:17):
So one thing that’s very difficult for us as parents to have happen is, is that we are consistent about what we do in terms of consequences. And it’s hard. You know, we got so many things happening. We got so many things going on in our life. And if I told you told you, you gotta do something 27 times. If there’s a control issue, well sometimes you have to have the consequence enacted 27 times that if they’re not brushing their teeth, if they’re not doing the thing they need to do, we’ve gotta be consistent about the consequence or consistent about reminding them 27 times or more until they can kind of do it on their own. Now we called doing it on their own in karate Self discipline At karate boat, martial arts. And we’ve talked about that kind of as a separate podcast, that’s kind of the, that’s the big outcome we want is self discipline. So they do it on their own without in anybody telling them that’s our, that’s our big goal for all these things is they listen the first time that’s self discipline. That’s exactly the same thing. So for us to do that, guess what? Consistency,
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (39:33):
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (39:42):
Is the same exact thing as self-discipline, it’s the same thing, being consistent, self that’s, the self-discipline I’m being consistent for myself as self-discipline. So, so we have to be, unfortunately, cuz it’s, it’s not easy, be very consistent and very much have this same rules. So we’ve covered a lot of things today. These benefits, these outcomes, and the other rule that I would tell you is less talk, less emotion when it does come, come emotional. I’m not telling you not to be emotional with your family. Definitely use emotions with your kids. It’s okay to be upset sometimes. There’s that? There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with we, we definitely want you to have all the positive emotions you can possibly have. We want you to have all the caring, love positive emotions, and if you’re upset, it’s okay to be upset. When things escalate though, and people are having problems with these types of issues, it won, it doesn’t help you to escalate emotions. It helps you, you to choose to have less talking and less emotions and be focused on what the outcomes are gonna be. And that’s how you’ll get to the, the consistent self-discipline that we want. What other stuff did you want to add onto this master Samuel?
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (41:00):
I was curious about how detrimental is it to pick your battles if all right. The room cleaning thing. What if I hit that point where I just don’t care anymore about cleaning the room? I fought and I fought and I’ve tried maybe not 27 times. Maybe I hit 23 and I’m just exhausted by it. If <affirmative> do I lose consistency if I just decide that maybe the room cleaning thing is not that important.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (41:31):
Well, there’s a couple pieces to that. I think it’s really important to decide. I mean, Thomas Fallon in his book talked a lot about parents deciding for the room cleaning was an example. He used deciding whether the room really does need to be clean. Sometimes as parents, we decide I’m a bad parent. If my kid has a messy room and that, that you know there. And you mentioned that your daughter hoarded candy and left it in the candy and you’re really actually having a reason for the room to be clean. Cause you need to get all the, the mess, like the literal food off of the ground. So ants didn’t crawl in there and there was, there was a legitimate reason for the room to get clean, but let’s say, let’s say your kid just left clothes around and it was messy for, with clothes.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (42:17):
Would there be a reason to clean the room and the, we gotta make a decision as parents, whether that’s something that’s important or not. And I think, I think that’s a decision you have to make as a parent. If, if it if it’s important to you, if it’s something that you need to, to go to battle on or, or not. And I think we have the same thing, as you mentioned with relationships, you know, with your family, your spouse, your, your other, your partners. Is that something that’s important or do you want to leave it now for some people listening? They’re gonna be, well, of course I need my kid to learn how to, how to clean the room. Well, I know a lot of adults who don’t keep their place very messy. I was at somebody’s house the other day and it was, it was really, really messy as an adult with no kids and their house was super messy.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (43:09):
So, and they were successful people. So you’ve got it. Decide which or, and what things are gonna be important, same with like eating vegetables or eating certain foods. Is that gonna, is that gonna be one that’s gonna be a high priority skill for you or not. And what, what I would say is a couple things to consider. If you had to <affirmative> outline you know, prioritize 1, 2, 3, 4, and so on, you know, to infinity, all the things you want to have for your kid, what’s the most important thing for them to do. And the second most important and on get these, get, get number one, taken care of first and then get number two. It’s very consistent with what we just talked about. If cleaning the room is number eight and you’re still getting ’em to make sure they let’s say get their grades in school writer, brush their teeth or whichever one’s a important, you know, is brushing their teeth more important than cleaning the room, probably cuz you don’t want ’em to have cavities and that would have a longer char effect or maybe you know, making sure they, they leave on time for school, cuz that causes you a lot of hassle.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (44:33):
If you have to, you have to wake up early and, and, and give them some you know, spend a lot of extra time in, in your life getting ’em up early. So what’s the most important thing. This would be the one I would get first, but I think parents sometimes go, well, I gotta get all these. And now two things happen. One is it’s a lot of work for you as a parent trying to keep it all straight. But number two is, imagine you were the kid and you’re getting, you know, 25 messages about what you’re trying to do. Right. How would you feel if somebody was somebody at work was to teach you 25 different things and there’s all these things they’re trying to teach you and tell you to do, right? How would you feel Like all, all these things you’re not doing, right. How, how would discouraged
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (45:29):
You get discouraged really fast?
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (45:31):
Yeah. You get discouraged and you probably not. Yeah. And you probably not learn any of it really well. <Affirmative>, you’re probably not learning of it very consistently. So we, we need to get a handle on what’s the most important thing. And I think when people go, well, all of it’s really important. Okay. Well then, you know, I mean, you get, you’re gonna be struggling with all of it then at the same time, cuz it’s a lot of information, a lot of stuff. Well, it’s not that much information. You know, sometimes you get circular arguments about that. When you said pick the battles. I think this is the battle you pick. It doesn’t mean you don’t, it doesn’t mean you don’t come back to number eight, which is cleaning the room. But if you get number one fixed, which might be brushing the teeth consistently, they do it in the morning at night or whenever you’re gonna have to it, when they’re doing it adequately, just the act of doing this right. Is gonna help you with the, the big skill of following the directions to consistently do stuff so that when you come back to doing the cleaning, the room thing, you’re gonna be better at it.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (46:39):
If that makes sense. Well, I think the air is, if I don’t, if I don’t fight the battle of cleaning the room, they’re gonna learn that it’s okay to be sloppy and they’re gonna learn that I’m not in control and they’re gonna learn that there’s an issue. And I’m also a bad parent because I let ’em do that for a while. Whatever. I mean, they might learn that they might, we might think they’re learning it for a couple months, but we’re getting this one kicked off and then we’re gonna get number two kicked off and we’re gonna make sure that’s right. And then we’re gonna get number three. And once we do that, it’s gonna be able to, easier to maintain those. And then we get number four and then we get number five. And I bet you, for most parents, you can figure out what number one and two is that you really wanna make sure happens.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (47:22):
And for those of the, those parents that are martial arts students, if you think about what we do, we’re building the self skills by the repetition of consistently following directions, consistently doing stuff on a regular basis. And those are those, those big skills so that they get used to following and doing stuff on a really consistent regular basis. And that’s not promoting what we do in martial arts. It’s just, that’s the big skill. If you then, if you, you do the same thing as a parent and get ’em to do brushing the teeth or whatever that skill is, then they’re gonna be better at the, the follow up skills. So does that make sense in terms of picking your battles? I think you pick the first battle and then you pick the other battles. I doubt at the time you were doing that with your child, the room was the most important one. Maybe it was if it was. Yeah, but if you could have only focused on the one or two most important ones, God knows, really nailed my guess is the other one could have been nailed more easily.
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (48:28):
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (48:31):
And, and not tied them together. So the error, I think you and I were talking about was you tied to clean the room, going to the park.
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (48:38):
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (48:39):
And, and, and that got it. It got rigged out. Cause it was disconnected. Those weren’t, those weren’t related. So because you’re not related it, it was like, you’re trying to fight. You’re trying to like motivator with one thing, but it was with the wrong thing. And so those never worked and then you couldn’t really get, so now you’re trying to do that plus have a consequence plus other stuff. And it was like all kinda it, it confuses people it’s like trying to make, get me to it’s like trying to get me to lose weight by rewarding me with ice cream. Well, I like ice cream and I, you know, might want to exercise, but there in fact counterproductive things.
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (49:28):
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (49:29):
You know? So if, if you think about that example, it makes I think more sense. Okay. Anything else to cover?
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (49:38):
No that looks, that clears actually up quite a few things for getting kids to do what we want is first to find what we want.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (49:50):
Well, that’s right. And that’s the make sure we have the right outcomes in line. What’s the most important thing. And for we listen to the podcast, figure out what the one most important thing is. First then start using these rules to follow it. Most of the time there’s gonna be a benefit or consequence that you gotta figure out, use less talk and less emotion for to determine what you’re going to, to help ’em through it until they get it down. Once they get it down, then you go on to the next one and just be watching out for that control issue. If there’s a control issue that you’ll figure that out because benefits and consequences didn’t work you’ll know cuz it didn’t work. And if that’s a case, then you then you know, to take the other a actions it’s kind of the same action.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (50:36):
You just monitor ’em. But then you’re not really worried about consequences. You’re just worried about making ’em do it. You gotta, you gotta get ’em to do it either way there there’s and, and I hate to say it this way, but you it’s, it’s not it’s not about motivation at that point. It’s just about making sure they’re compliant. They have to comply with the rules cuz it’s the way it is. And that’s making sure we know who’s in control. You are. Cause you’re the parent it’s gotta, that’s the, relationship’s gotta be clear and there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s how it is. And they’re gonna be happier if that’s the way it’s clear that that clarity is there. They’re gonna be happier. Make sure that’s clear. There’s nothing wrong with that because they will be happier if the relationship as use the parent and them as a child is clear. If they think it’s a col it’s a collabo relationship, they will be less happy cuz they won’t be sure who’s in charge. They won’t be sure what the status of the family is. And that will cause them problems later when they’re adults and we don’t have time to go into those kind of things, but there’s a lot of attachment issues there. If it’s not really clear who the parent and the child is.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (51:49):
Does that make sense? Okay guys. Well, thank you so much for being here and master Sam. Thank you so much for the good questions and the discussion about it. Unless there’s anything else we could we can kind of wrap up today unless you had something to add.
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (52:02):
No, just wish I could go back in time and have it like 20 years ago when my kids were little.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (52:07):
Well it’s okay. I, I wish I could do that too. You know, we discover all these things as we as we learn and we get the advantage of working with hundreds and hundreds of kids all the time. So we get to we get to have the benefit of hindsight and not, not foresight to go back in time and don’t worry, you know, we probably screwed up too. It’s just that we get to be good at helping other people not, not make the mistakes that we did. So that’s everybody else is listening. This gets to have the benefit of, of our help so that we can help ’em with moving forward. All right, well, we’ll see everybody later and we’ll see you next time,
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (52:42):
Right? Thank you, sir.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (52:44):
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (52:45):
Check out the Podcast!
KarateBuilt L.L.C. was founded in 1995 by Dr. Greg Moody, an 8th degree Black Belt and Chief Master Instructor, KarateBuilt Martial Arts and Karate for Kids offers lessons for pre-school children ages 3-6 and elementary age kids ages 7 and up are designed to develop the critical building blocks kids need – specialized for their age group – for school excellence and later success in life.
KarateBuilt Martial Arts Adult Karate training is a complete adult fitness and conditioning program for adults who want to lose weight, get (and stay in shape), or learn self-defense in a supportive environment.
Instructors can answer questions or be contacted 24 hours of the day, 7 days a week at 866-311-1032 for one of our nationwide locations. You can also visit our website at KarateBuilt.com.
About Dr. Greg Moody: Greg is an eighth-degree black belt and chief master instructor. He has a Ph.D. in Special Education from Arizona State University (along with a Master’s Degree in Counseling and a Bachelor’s Degree in Engineering – he actually is a rocket scientist). He has been teaching martial arts for over 25 years and has owned eight martial arts schools in Arizona and California. Chief Master Moody is a motivational speaker and educator and teaches seminars in bullying, business, and martial arts training, around the world. See more at DrGregMoody.com.
The KarateBuilt Martial Arts Headquarters at KarateBuilt LLC is in Cave Creek, Arizona at 29850 N. Tatum Blvd., Suite 105, Cave Creek AZ 85331. You can locate the Chief Instructor, Master Laura Sanborn there directly at (480) 575-8171. KarateBuilt Martial Arts serves Cave Creek, Carefree, Scottsdale, and Paradise Valley Arizona as well and Grand Rapids, MI.