Transcript of How to get your kid to listen… The FIRST Time!
At KarateBuilt Martial Arts, a lot of the skills and training is for many skills – but the one parents really want, after digging in to day to day “being a parent” is…
Below is the transcript of the podcast Sr. Master Sanborn and I did on this – it’s Part 2:
Ch. Master Greg Moody, Ph.D.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (10:24):
We have to figure out, is there a value issue or a control issue is if it’s value, then what reward do I have? And the reward shouldn’t be the benefit thing that you want them to have. I mean, that would almost be like saying, if you don’t clean your room, you don’t get to go to school the next day. Well, you know, there’s a lot of benefits for school. You know, maybe they like school, even, maybe they don’t like school. Maybe they like school. If you don’t clean your room, you don’t get to go to school. The next day, every parent would go, well, that’s crazy. So don’t connect things together. What would be a benefit of cleaning their room? Maybe there’s zero benefit for them. They could care less about cleaning the room. So what would be a benefit? Let me ask you, Mr. Sam, what would be the benefit to your daughter cleaning her room?
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (11:10):
For us, part of it was just checking up to make sure it was a healthily clean, clean enough to be healthy, cuz she was a candy hoarder. She would like to get candy out of the other room and eat it in her room. So we’d find candy wrappers. And if we didn’t clean the room,
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (11:26):
So I’m gonna interrupt you. There’s zero benefit to Lucy. Lucy’s your daughter’s name to cleaning the room from her point of view, there’s zero benefit to cleaning the room. So what would the benefit be that she didn’t have a consequence? There would need to be a consequence to clean the room. So value is either gonna be one of two things. It’s either gonna be benefit, which is a lot, a lot of parents want to build everything around benefits. But it, they sometimes benefits don’t work. You can’t think of any benefit. Now your son there’d be benefits cuz he likes his room being clean, right. Or maybe, maybe he doesn’t even like his room being clean. But you know,
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (12:15):
He liked knowing where his stuff was and where, how to find
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (12:17):
It. And you might be able to point that out to him for some of your kids, for some of the people on the call for some of the parents, if you just pay attention to your kids’ room and go, Hey man, your kids, your room’s messy. When you like to be able to see where your stuff is, they’ll go. Yeah. And that would be a benefit for them. But if not, there has to be a consequence. So the value is that I don’t have a consequence. That’s called that’s. So this is positive reinforcement. This is negative reinforcement negative. Reinforcement’s not a bad thing. Punishment’s different from negative reinforcement punishments. If they’re doing something wrong and we take action afterwards or consequence, but, but consequence would be if the room isn’t clean, then there’s some other consequence they have to have. You know, what’s your consequence.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (13:05):
If you don’t clean your room or you don’t clean your house, you have to pay a housekeeper. Or if you don’t clean your room and you left food all over, the there could be bugs and rats and over not rats probably in Arizona too much, but there could be maybe rats in Arizona, but there could be bugs and disease and stuff. So we, we do this stuff because there’s consequence some, a lot of us don’t like to do all that stuff. You know, a lot of us don’t like to do certain things, but we do it because we understand the consequence. Kids won’t understand consequences. So we have to impose consequences. The only way is either bene benefit or consequence. So the consequence has to be something. Now the consequence could be that you, you, you, you yell at ’em. I mean, that could be one consequence in the old days, kids that have other consequences, but the con ones could, it doesn’t mean yell at ’em like being mean, but it might be reminding them.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (14:00):
It might be, Hey, you gotta clean your room. It doesn’t have to be a mean consequence, but it could be some consequence. So that the value of not doing it is gonna be the value of doing it’s gonna be offset by the consequence of, I don’t do it. Then I’m gonna have a consequence of, or maybe some mother chore or mom’s gonna go in there and do it with me. And she’s gonna make sure that she monitors me. And does the cleaning the room, the chores, the brush, your teeth, whatever it’s OK. It’s is it better to have benefits? Yeah, it’s better if you can work it out with benefits. But for some kids, some kids, we recommend John op charts. We provide those in karate. We provide a what’s called a personal victory system. So they get stars and rewards and different things.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (14:45):
They can put ’em in their belt. And they get an accelerated schedule of rewards. We want you to use as many benefits as possible. We want these, we want these to be as, as explicit and as many of these as possible, but there will be almost for every kid. Some things that benefits just won’t work, that rewards and benefits just won’t work. And so there should be some consequ and believe me, Hey look, it’s the way it is for adults. I mean, I like to drive a little bit over the speed limit sometimes, but I don’t because there’s a consequence. If I drove over, you know, 10 miles an hour over the speed limit or 15 miles an hour over the speed limit, I get a speeding ticket. So there’s a consequence of that. So I behave we’ve all got certain consequence is so that we follow the directions and listen. So will this make your kids listen the first time? Not immediately, but over time they will. Now the other one that we want to consider, let me clear the whole screen here, cuz it’s a little more complicated is control sometimes master Sam, before I go on to that, did you have any questions about that or anything else to add?
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (15:55):
No sir. On that I was the consequences and benefits. I pretty much got that. Understood. Now the unrelated to related things made a big difference in how I thought about getting them from point a to point B on getting stuff done.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (16:13):
Well, let me say something more about the unrelated things before we go on to don’t clear this out. So if you relate, let’s say you know, brushing their teeth. Well, you wouldn’t really like that to go into get ice cream probably, but sometimes people do. Yeah. You know, brushing their teeth means that they get to stay up later for TV. You know, something like that. And they get to play video games or if they clean the room, they get to play video games or something like that. What happens is there’s in real life, there’s usually not a comparable consequence. We also want the results. Now consequence, it can be positive or negative. If I eat better, my health is better. That’s a long term consequence. If I, you know, exercise, I get stronger. If I exercise, I feel better. If I exercise, I have a consequence of positive consequence to that.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (17:07):
What we want is that, you know, brush your in your teeth. They don’t feel a consequence right away. I mean, it’s that they don’t get cavities. They, you know, don’t have dental problems. So they’re not gonna feel the consequence of that right away. So that’s why we have to have either benefit or there has to be a value there. So there has to be a benefit or consequence based on that, that situation. TV has nothing to do at all with brushing your teeth. So rewarding it, using it as a reward for brushing your teeth, wouldn’t have any relationship. What might have a relationship to TV is a reward. Well maybe, maybe getting to bed on time, getting to bed on time and managing their time might have a relationship to TV. So having things more connected might have a relationship to other types of activities that they would do.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (18:02):
What might have a relationship to video games? Well, if they got their homework done and they had time left over for video games. So one way to think about relationships would be, they have, if they had from let’s say 3:00 PM when they got home from school to 5:00 PM and that was for homework and video games, no matter what if they took, you know, if they, they have to do their homework correctly, cuz they’re gonna get checked once in a while. If they maintained an a and they did all their homework, they could play as many video games as they wanted, as long as it’s between those time, that timeframe, for example, that would be a way to connect activities and reward. So they would match it’s the, because it’s same as we operate as adults. If I get my work done during the day, I don’t have to work later just like for you and everybody else. If I get I have more time available on the weekend. If I get my other stuff done or I get, you know, whatever, or if I maybe work a little harder, if I may a little more money than I can pay for a nicer vacation. So there’s connected things. This is a really good example of it. How you could connect homework and video games. What are, can you think of any other ones or are those about right? I’m kind of putting you on the spot for some example.
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (19:27):
No that one’s super clear that and how that, how the relationship between them is. It just, I understand it completely.
Stay tuned for Part 3 In our Blog!
KarateBuilt L.L.C. was founded in 1995 by Dr. Greg Moody, an 8th degree Black Belt and Chief Master Instructor, KarateBuilt Martial Arts and Karate for Kids offers lessons for pre-school children ages 3-6 and elementary age kids ages 7 and up are designed to develop the critical building blocks kids need – specialized for their age group – for school excellence and later success in life.
KarateBuilt Martial Arts Adult Karate training is a complete adult fitness and conditioning program for adults who want to lose weight, get (and stay in shape), or learn self-defense in a supportive environment.
Instructors can answer questions or be contacted 24 hours of the day, 7 days a week at 866-311-1032 for one of our nationwide locations. You can also visit our website at KarateBuilt.com.
About Dr. Greg Moody: Greg is an eighth-degree black belt and chief master instructor. He has a Ph.D. in Special Education from Arizona State University (along with a Master’s Degree in Counseling and a Bachelor’s Degree in Engineering – he actually is a rocket scientist). He has been teaching martial arts for over 25 years and has owned eight martial arts schools in Arizona and California. Chief Master Moody is a motivational speaker and educator and teaches seminars in bullying, business, and martial arts training, around the world. See more at DrGregMoody.com.
The KarateBuilt Martial Arts Headquarters at KarateBuilt LLC is in Cave Creek, Arizona at 29850 N. Tatum Blvd., Suite 105, Cave Creek AZ 85331. You can locate the Chief Instructor, Master Laura Sanborn there directly at (480) 575-8171. KarateBuilt Martial Arts serves Cave Creek, Carefree, Scottsdale, and Paradise Valley Arizona as well and Grand Rapids, MI.