Transcript of How to get your kid to listen… The FIRST Time!
At KarateBuilt Martial Arts, a lot of the skills and training is for many skills – but the one parents really want, after digging in to day to day “being a parent” is…
Below is the transcript of the podcast Sr. Master Sanborn and I did on this – it’s Part 1:
Ch. Master Greg Moody, Ph.D.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (00:02):
All right. Welcome to our success training podcast. We’re really excited to have you here. I welcome senior master Laura Sandborn. I’m Dr. Greg moody and chief master instructor. And we’re gonna be working today on a really exciting thing. I’m gonna put our closed captioning here on so that you can get to see us a little bit more in case we talk too fast or in case any of the audio isn’t as clear. So we’re gonna talk today about listening and parent skills, getting kids to listen the first time. So this is really exciting to me, master Sam. You wanna mention anything that you’re excited about in this in this topic?
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (00:40):
I wish I’d had it earlier. What, and my kids were younger <laugh> because it’s certainly a skill that is extremely useful when you’re dealing with kids. And I, you know, we deal with kids all the time here in the karate school, but at home I could have used it every day.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (01:03):
Well we’re are talking about is building a solid foundation so that parents are used to skills that you, you just don’t get instruction books as parents. And we talked about this when we talked a seminar this last weekend at our, at our school. And, and, you know, parents are really grateful for having some guidance for what to do and when to do it. And, and knowing how much we need need to push our kids to, to do things and how, and to, to learn some dis discipline skills and how much we need to kind of let them fail on their own and how much we need to let them make mistakes. So it’s not always straightforward how much we do one thing versus another thing, how much we do affirmations and good job versus how much we do need to, to correct them and how much we need to to, to make sure that behavior is adjusted.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (01:52):
So this will help hopefully give some parents some guidance and the goal would be to get your kids to listen the first time. And here’s what I’d say about this skill is it’s okay for you to have the expectation and not just okay, but in your best interest and your kid’s best interests that your kids listen, understand and follow your directions. The first time you ask now will happen immediately. Once you follow this podcast today, maybe, maybe not, hopefully in some ways it does. And maybe in some other ways, it doesn’t always always happen, but we’re gonna give you some ideas and some rules to follow and some suggestions so that you can get your kids to gradually, and maybe, maybe in some ways immediately follow directions and listen the first time. So let’s get started with it. Master Sam, you had some questions that you wanted to wanted to ask and to, to to get at following. I noticed that our, with our our closed captioning, it catches most of our, our words really well, but it doesn’t catch your name. So when I say master Sam, Warren, you, you get spelled a whole bunch of different ways, so that’s okay. I guess we’ll have to live with that, but you can see master Sam Warren’s spelling on her on her video. Go ahead. Yes. What were some questions that you
Sr. Master Laura Sanborn (03:08):
Had starting with methods to use, to get it to happen? Part of it is I know is just the expectation of it, but not always the same method is gonna work work with every kid. Do we use me motivation threats just wait for the habit to happen. What kind of tools are there for leading towards kids listening the first time?
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (03:35):
Well, well, let’s go to some some, some, some mistakes that we see made a lot of times. So some mistakes that we were just, we were just talking about this today that parents make, and what we see sometimes is they’ll say something like, I like my kid to clean their room, me, write some of these down, clean their clean their room Clean room so that they get to go to the park
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (04:11):
Or maybe something like do a chore. And then we all get to get ice cream, go to the ice cream store. So some of these things are make a lot of sense, logically they make sense. And so one of the errors that we have in starting any of these processes is we, we make these kind of logical errors. And the, the problem with this is that for some kids, this works great. For some kids, you say, Hey, if you clean your room, we get to go to the park and they go, yay. That’s no problem. I don’t like and clean in my room. I’ll go clean my room. I like my room clean anyway, but thanks for the reminder, they clean the room and they love going to the park and going to the park might be a 10 on their happiness list and cleaning the room might be a one on their, you know, pain in the rear list.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (05:01):
And so they, they don’t mind doing that for other kids though. And maybe for you, you too. And, and for, for you as, as adults, even for us, it might be for a different person. You might feel like cleaning your room. You may not be the cleanest person in the world, and you might not mind your room being very messy. So for you cleaning your room or cleaning your basement or cleaning your garage for some of you guys, I know it’s cleaning your garage, cleaning your garage might be a 10 in terms of pain in the rear. You may, haven’t you maybe for some of you haven’t cleaned your garage ever, and going to the park for some of you might be like a one in terms of value. So for you guys, if you think about that kind of balance, you may ask your kid number one, whether they want to do that and you know, clean your room, and then we’ll get to go to the park and they go, no, I would never want to clean my room.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (05:51):
I hate that idea. And there’s, there’s a value issue. So one problem we have with this kind of logic is there’s a value problem. You know, you’re, you’re changing the value, but the other thing is there. So there’s three big errors here. One error is value. You ask them to do a chore. So they get to do something they want to do. Now they may want to go to the park. This might be a 10, but they may. There’s an other error here. The other error that we see is that there may be a control issue. They may just hate the idea that they’re being told what to do. And, and that’s a, that’s a, a, a little bit of a different issue and a little more complex your child. Normally we wanna develop kids that are independent. We wanna develop kids that can kind of think on their own, but the consequence of that is that the kid also wants to have some control of what they do.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (06:49):
That sounds great. In one regard, it sounds terrible. If you’re trying to get them to clean the room, do the chores, do stuff. So to try to reward them with part or try to reward them with something else, it, it doesn’t make sense. So there might be a control issue. There could be a control problem with one of these things that it just doesn’t seem to be. It, it, it’s a problem. And we can talk more about that a little later. The third thing is, is these are really two disc things. Now here’s the, here’s the other one that I really like to talk about and the ice cream, example’s a really good one. You know, maybe you’ve got two kids. Think about it this way. You’ve got chore chore, and you’ve got ice cream. And then you’ve got kid number one and kid number two, and then maybe you’ve got you.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (07:41):
Maybe you want to go to the ice cream store. You know, maybe you’d like to get some ice cream, or maybe you’d like to go to the park, or maybe you’d like to do the thing. And we connect doing the chore to the payoff, but now you’ve got a family and the whole family has to suffer with this. And it causes family problem that if one kid or one person doesn’t do something that the benefit that the whole family wants to get gets gets wrapped into this benefit or this payoff. And so we’re trying to connect chores or activities to rewards in a we inconsistent way. So what’s the way that you, and let me, let me talk a little more about that before I finish up with that. So, you know, if you want to go to the ice cream store, you should make sure that the whole family gets to go to the ice cream store.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (08:33):
It needs to be disconnected from the chores. And sometimes we’ll have parents say to us, yeah, but they didn’t do it with their stuff. So we don’t want them to get benefits. Well, they’re really two separate things. You’ve gotta disconnect, different thing, things that are not related. So if they’re not related clean, the room is a different thing than going to the park. There’s benefits of going to the park. They get exercise, they get outside, they get vitamin D. They get whatever else from going to the park. You get exercise, you get vitamin D you get to develop your relationship with your kid in a way that’s outside of the house. There’s benefits of going to the park. So to connect that, to cleaning the room or connect that to a chore, or, you know, ice cream, you like it eat too much ice cream.
Dr. Greg Moody, Chief Master Instructor (09:17):
It’s probably a bad thing, but having ice cream and having an outing for ice cream is a benefit. We see this in some parents will say, well, they didn’t do XYZ. So they, we didn’t, we didn’t wanna reward them with coming to karate. But karate, for example, has all kinds of benefits that we talk about. So why would you connect that to doing something? So, number one, error is connecting reward and benefit when there’s, when, when they shouldn’t be connected. So how do we do that? First of all. So if you’ve got things that they want to do, when they’re not listening, they’re not listening to stuff like maybe clean the room Chores and so on and so forth. Other things that you want them to do, brush their teeth And master Sanborn. You said something really important. Every kid is different. I think your son, he was pretty good at making sure he cleaned his room. Right. And your daughter wasn’t right. So, so there, now it comes back to those two things, value and control.
Stay tuned for Part 2 In our Blog!
KarateBuilt L.L.C. was founded in 1995 by Dr. Greg Moody, an 8th degree Black Belt and Chief Master Instructor, KarateBuilt Martial Arts and Karate for Kids offers lessons for pre-school children ages 3-6 and elementary age kids ages 7 and up are designed to develop the critical building blocks kids need – specialized for their age group – for school excellence and later success in life.
KarateBuilt Martial Arts Adult Karate training is a complete adult fitness and conditioning program for adults who want to lose weight, get (and stay in shape), or learn self-defense in a supportive environment.
Instructors can answer questions or be contacted 24 hours of the day, 7 days a week at 866-311-1032 for one of our nationwide locations. You can also visit our website at KarateBuilt.com.
About Dr. Greg Moody: Greg is an eighth-degree black belt and chief master instructor. He has a Ph.D. in Special Education from Arizona State University (along with a Master’s Degree in Counseling and a Bachelor’s Degree in Engineering – he actually is a rocket scientist). He has been teaching martial arts for over 25 years and has owned eight martial arts schools in Arizona and California. Chief Master Moody is a motivational speaker and educator and teaches seminars in bullying, business, and martial arts training, around the world. See more at DrGregMoody.com.
The KarateBuilt Martial Arts Headquarters at KarateBuilt LLC is in Cave Creek, Arizona at 29850 N. Tatum Blvd., Suite 105, Cave Creek AZ 85331. You can locate the Chief Instructor, Master Laura Sanborn there directly at (480) 575-8171. KarateBuilt Martial Arts serves Cave Creek, Carefree, Scottsdale, and Paradise Valley Arizona as well and Grand Rapids, MI.